Autumn

This time of year is very strange for me. It's my favorite season, my favorite time of year. There is so much I love about the fall. The leaves changing and colder weather. The smell of spices and the taste of apples. The perfect twilight this time of year seems to produce and the clean crisp mornings. Halloween and all that it encompasses.

But, there is this underlying sadness through this whole season. We almost lost my mom in September, and we eventually did in October. So fall seems to rouse this longing in me, I long for my family and my mom and this personal history i had that no longer exists. To this day I can't think about her without my heart breaking. I still can't really talk about her or think about those months leading up to her death.

This time of year makes me happy and sad all together. I feel quiet, and a little bit lonely, and more introverted then usual. And it's really hard to explain this to people....it's almost like it's unexplainable, and until you go through it's not very understandable. It's kind of like a rite of passage. This burden that doesn't fall upon you until the worst happens, and it's not a terrible thing, it's just something that comes along with you for the rest of your life.
And fall is my reminder. Fall is when the burden gets a bit heavier and everything seems a bit darker.

I miss her. Just like I miss this season when it is over.
And they both exist, well, existed, far to briefly.