Thursday, September 25, 2008

Autumn

This time of year is very strange for me. It's my favorite season, my favorite time of year. There is so much I love about the fall. The leaves changing and colder weather. The smell of spices and the taste of apples. The perfect twilight this time of year seems to produce and the clean crisp mornings. Halloween and all that it encompasses.

But, there is this underlying sadness through this whole season. We almost lost my mom in September, and we eventually did in October. So fall seems to rouse this longing in me, I long for my family and my mom and this personal history i had that no longer exists. To this day I can't think about her without my heart breaking. I still can't really talk about her or think about those months leading up to her death.

This time of year makes me happy and sad all together. I feel quiet, and a little bit lonely, and more introverted then usual. And it's really hard to explain this to people....it's almost like it's unexplainable, and until you go through it's not very understandable. It's kind of like a rite of passage. This burden that doesn't fall upon you until the worst happens, and it's not a terrible thing, it's just something that comes along with you for the rest of your life.
And fall is my reminder. Fall is when the burden gets a bit heavier and everything seems a bit darker.

I miss her. Just like I miss this season when it is over.
And they both exist, well, existed, far to briefly.

2 comments:

Tanya said...

think of it as a healthy balance a time to enjoy and a time to reflect. soon you will reflect more on the positive times and memories rather than the ending part.
Don't let your favorite season pass you by, as the years pass our Fall is shorter and shorter.
Think of Fall as a memorial month to your mom, and do all the things you love the most that she would want you to enjoy. nothing is ever gained by concentrating on the hurt in life. If there is one thing she knows, is that life is too short to lend it to depression.


Btw i'm thinking of you as i visit the yarn stores lately trying to get back into knitting.

Kisses
Tanya

carriestrine said...

I don't think the sadness will ever go away, but I think Tanya is right... reflecting on positive times and try to enjoy the fall!!

I love the idea of a memorial time... what a beautiful time of the year for it.

xoxo
Carrie