Thursday, September 25, 2008


This time of year is very strange for me. It's my favorite season, my favorite time of year. There is so much I love about the fall. The leaves changing and colder weather. The smell of spices and the taste of apples. The perfect twilight this time of year seems to produce and the clean crisp mornings. Halloween and all that it encompasses.

But, there is this underlying sadness through this whole season. We almost lost my mom in September, and we eventually did in October. So fall seems to rouse this longing in me, I long for my family and my mom and this personal history i had that no longer exists. To this day I can't think about her without my heart breaking. I still can't really talk about her or think about those months leading up to her death.

This time of year makes me happy and sad all together. I feel quiet, and a little bit lonely, and more introverted then usual. And it's really hard to explain this to's almost like it's unexplainable, and until you go through it's not very understandable. It's kind of like a rite of passage. This burden that doesn't fall upon you until the worst happens, and it's not a terrible thing, it's just something that comes along with you for the rest of your life.
And fall is my reminder. Fall is when the burden gets a bit heavier and everything seems a bit darker.

I miss her. Just like I miss this season when it is over.
And they both exist, well, existed, far to briefly.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I've found the way

I'm a firm believer that you have to go through some major shit to become a better person.
I watched my mom spend years of her life in a miserable situation, in enormous amounts of physical pain daily. But she was could connect with people in an almost magical way. She would become fast friends with everyone she would meet. It was amazing, and I think everything she went through had something to do with that.

I'd like to think I'm not quite at rock bottom, but I definitely know I'm near it. The past few years have been hard, emotionally, physically, financially. But I've had a sort of hopeful epiphany in the past few weeks. I think it is directly related to all that I have been through. I'm at a point where I'm broke, I love my husband but i wish I could do more to financially to help him, I'm working below what I am qualified to do, it just seems to go on and on. epiphany: I would like to go back to college for History with a focus on Early American History in Fall 2009. I've put it off for too long. And if possible, i would like to continue my education through a master's degree.

Sometimes it takes frustration and anger and tears to realize your life is not going in the correct direction it needs to be and the path needs to be changed. I plan on getting to my decision..i have no idea.
I look at it like this...trying to flesh out a goal and a plan of action is far more enjoyable then staying put in a toxic situation.

I'm nervous, yet excited.

Wish me luck!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Every year, every fall

I always forgot how delicious the Pumpkin Spice Frap is at Strarbucks.

Anyway...on to the mushy stuff.

As of yesterday, September 11th, Aaron and I have been partners in crime for eight years.
This is an awfully long time. Nearly a decade. So much has happened I can barely wrap my brain around it.
We met when we were 23, we're now turning 32.

I love him, with all of my heart, my mind, my soul, and my person. He's my favorite person and my best friend. I can't imagine a day without him.

I love you AA!

What if I told you
I could lose you?
If I waited,
Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow
May be too late

Birds fly above you
Love is around you
I would like to be too
Forever, forever and ever
With you

I would follow you
Anywhere you are going to
Tomorrow, forever, always

And if you were to
Sail across the ocean blue
I would like to sail with you
I'd follow, I'd follow, I'd follow
You home

I would follow you
Anywhere you are going to
Tomorrow, forever, always

I would follow you
Oh, anywhere you are going to
Tomorrow, forever,
Tomorrow, forever,
Tomorrow, forever, always
- Rosie Thomas

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Look at my pictureless blog

I am married to a photographer. Someone who takes many many pictures.
One day day. When it's not so hot that I sweat at my computer because my tower is producing too much heat.

Its September and all the trees in my neighborhood are dead and dry and it was over 90 degrees today.
What the hell??!!

I continue to march on through my sweaters. My grand plan is to have at least two sweaters done by October. Sure...this doesn't really sound like a crazy idea, but all the sweaters I make are normally done on a needle size smaller then a US 7. The two I would like to finish are on a 6 and 5 respectively. And...and...its hot. Much hotter then expected.
I'm trying to stay on course. And finish a shawl sample that is WAY overdue as well.
I will complete all my tasks if it kills me!


Besides that I've been riding my bike...remembering how sore my ass can be from riding a bike...trying to pretend that I don't look like a total moron in my bike helmet...hoping that I will one day find the shoes of my dreams....and being endless entertained by my husband and cats.

That's it. My new goal is to also post more regularly. So maybe someone other then my husband will read this occasionally.